I’ve been called sweet, a doll or too nice many times throughout my life, and I’m sure other women have experienced the same. Society often expects women to be nice, almost as if it’s a given.
If you aren’t nice, you’re a bitch; if you aren’t nice, nobody will like you; if you aren’t nice, you are selfish. Being nice is a problematic standard that women are socialized into from a young age. The cost? Our well-being, our sense of self, our dignity and most importantly, our confidence. Simply put, being nice isn’t being kind to ourselves.
The nice girl is a doormat — the girl who lets everyone walk all over her. She puts everyone else’s needs above hers and will do anything for everyone but herself. She will become a doormat, allowing everyone to walk all over her in an effort to be nice.
When a woman isn’t nice, she isn’t seen as a boss babe. Instead, she is seen as too masculine and too dominant. She isn’t feminine because she isn’t nice, nurturing or quiet. In reality, women who aren’t nice and assertive tend to have more beneficial careers than their “nice” girl counterparts.
When a woman steps up, she becomes a leader. A 2022 study led by social psychologist Mansi P. Joshi, who holds a doctorate, found that female leaders inspire organizational trust in both male — and female — dominated industries, regardless of their position in the company hierarchy.
A woman in power ultimately pulls ahead of her male counterparts. She gets paid higher, gets more promotions and receives better assignments. She becomes an equal to her male counterpart compared to the nice girl, who sits back and allows herself to be passed up.
To this, feminist shows how being nice isn’t all that it’s cracked up to; why be nice? When you can utilize your feminine power and speak up for yourself to pull ahead in life or, even better yet, become equal to the men who are already on the field.
In contrast to her more outspoken counterpart, the nice girl becomes a hazard to herself; she is too nice to speak up for herself and is willing to swallow her discomfort so that everyone around her is comfortable. She is a people pleaser who won’t voice her own opinion, even if it is at odds with who she is.
Instead, she will do what will make other people comfortable. For example, she may be cat-called, and instead of firing back a quick response, she may smile weakly and walk away, afraid to upset the people who made her uncomfortable.
The nice girl worries about how others perceive her, while the woman who isn’t considered nice looks out for her well-being and values herself and those around her. A woman who isn’t a doormat is a kind woman, which is a very different thing from being nice.
“Oh, she’s a nice girl,” is the compliment that men use as a compliment for women; she only smiles politely. She likes what he likes, and she is always down to do whatever he wants; she bends herself to his will, she makes sure his needs are met before hers and when she’s tossed out, she still asks herself what went wrong.
I tried being a nice girl for five years. I smiled politely and never complained, I liked what he liked, I swallowed my opinions to be the girl he wanted me to be, I didn’t speak up for myself, and I was always game for whatever thing we were doing. I was dragged around, I was used and much like trash I was discarded when he was tired of me, on to the next nice girl. A girl who will shut up, smile, let him do his dreams before hers, like what he likes and bend herself like a pretzel to be the girl he wants her to be — a nice girl.
Being kind is having a genuine reaction to receiving or giving praise because it comes from knowing your worth, unlike being nice, which comes from a transactional place and questions her worth. A kind girl knows her boundaries and will enforce them when she feels like her boundaries are being taken advantage of. She knows how to communicate her feelings while advocating for herself.
The kind girl can be empathetic without being taken advantage of. She knows how to help others without becoming a doormat. She doesn’t treat things like transactions or scorecards that are kept to use later. She does things because of how they make her feel.
When we are nice, we are doing a disservice to ourselves. We are destroying ourselves to be nice. We are appeasing a lifetime of social grooming, not to upset anyone, to placate those around us, not to have an opinion — or at least not voice our opinions — and to be a prop in society. We shouldn’t be like that.
America Ferrera’s character Gloria from the movie “Barbie” says it best: “You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas… You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining… But always stand out and always be grateful… You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.”
Women already have a foot on our necks, and being nice and being the doormat won’t help with that. It will only make our lives harder and set a bad example for girls by saying it’s OK to be nice and be a doormat. Instead, we should be saying we deserve kindness to ourselves and not worry about others’ feelings to the point that we are doing a disservice to ourselves.
To be nice is to be a doormat.
