UTAH TECH UNIVERSITY'S STUDENT NEWS SOURCE | March 27, 2023

Request Robby: Money must be funny

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In the immortal words of Scrooge McDuck: “Heavenly heather! The genie in the magic lamp! The fortunes I could own!” 

As a poor college student, money seems to be a constant concern. However, once a semester students can accept large amounts of money with financial aid with no upfront consequences.

There are some smart choices students can make with their leftover money.

Yeah right!

There are some awesome choices students can make with their free money. Splurging can be a very exhilarating experience, but when the money is gone, reality hits hard. Throwing money around has to be thought out carefully.

For Request Robby this week, Charlie from St. George asked me to go crazy with my loan money. I have always wanted to swim in cash.

I had never seen a stack of money larger than what I could fit in one hand. In movies, many times you’ll see a shady deal go down with the transaction of a large duffle bag or a brief case full of money. I am not about to start dealing drugs, but I could take the little money I have and make it seem big.

I filled out a cash advance for $1,200 from my Dixie One Card to be put all in ones. $2,500 is apparently the maximum for this sort of deal, and it comes with a charge of 3.5 percent. The bank I went to apparently didn’t have enough ones to support this odd request. I felt a little bad for the tellers as they scrambled around the back trying to get as many ones as possible. Multiple times the lady helping me asked, “This isn’t a joke, is it?”

I told her it was a joke but for someone else, and I was very serious about getting all ones. The bank employees ran out of ones so were forced to give me $5 bills as well. I then learned that the teller also is required to count out every dollar in front of me.

The teller created stack after stack, counting and pushing each hundred-dollar pile in my direction. She counted to 800 in ones, 380 in fives and 20 in tens.

I could feel the cameras burning on me, as if I was performing some ridiculous bank heist. No SWAT arrived, so I was free to leave with my stacks of dough. I had to carry it all in my hands because I didn’t bring a case, and the bank doesn’t provide grocery bags.

Twelve hundred dollars didn’t seem like enough, so I went through the drive-thru of another bank and requested an additional $500 in ones at the window. The teller was back within minutes with fancy bundles stamped by the stacks of $100 each. I left pleased with my piles of money and found a bag in my car to stuff it all in.

There was a strange sensation about carrying around a huge bag full of money. I felt very suspicious and protective. I had to run a few errands before I went home and was feeling nervous every time my vehicle wasn’t in view. I never lock my car, but I locked it, and I did a double take just to be absolutely certain it was locked. A young boy approached my car, which sent chills and frustration up my spine. I almost freaked out until I realized he was just trying to advertise Herbalife.

Eventually I made it home and laid out my money to admire. After building a money cabin and counting everything three times through, I went wild and tossed it all in the air. The crisp bills would twirl about as they fell, like large green Washington snowflakes. I jumped into the money and flopped about in my money pond. The pile was enough to fill a kiddy pool but never enough to sate the thrill of large quantities of wealth.

Although I had fun with all that money, reality sunk in. I was playing with a very expensive toy.

Seventeen hundred dollars isn’t a lot of money, about a month’s wages for many people. However, often when someone has a little bit of money, it’s easy to loose sight of what one needs.

While I’m working to get by, I know the most important things must come first. However, when the paychecks come, I don’t always follow that pattern. In order to combat my natural inclinations to splurge on useless junk, I make sure to “spend” my money while I’m broke. I make a list of all the things I will absolutely need and leave the remainder for whatever else.

I don’t need to explain what is important because everyone is going to have a different list. If eating fast food every day is important to you, then do it. If you also want to swim in money, do it. 

After I finished playing with all that money, I stored it away in a treasure chest. I want to bury the booty and make a treasure map. After a couple of weeks I’ll probably need the money and have to dig it up.

Let me know what you would like me to try out on my Facebook page. Also post pictures of with you and your financial aid purchases on the wall and let the fans like their favorites. All of this at www.facebook.com/requestrobby.