Being able to grow a good beard is a blessing and a curse.
On one hand, I look fantastic, girls (with good taste) dig it, and it keeps my face warm in the winter. On the other hand, people never stop sending me suggestions on social media about what I should do to my facial hair. I’m referring to things like sticking flowers in my beard, hanging Christmas ornaments or lights from my beard, or more recently, covering my beard in glitter — all of which I’ve never done.
A handful of people have sent me similar pictures recently of men with full beards covered in a thick layer of colorful glitter and pretended they thought it was a good idea. It doesn’t take a genius to understand why this would be a messy disaster. Glitter can never be fully cleaned up. If I so much as look at a container of glitter, I’m finding it on my clothes, face, bed and food for months. Voluntarily putting large amounts of glitter directly on my own face seemed like a sure way to invite it permanently into my existence.
I had to write an article about something, so I figured, why not give it a shot?
I picked up a couple small containers of gold glitter and some snowflake-looking glitter at the store. I rubbed some essential oils in my beard to help the glitter stick better and stepped into my backyard to apply the golden, sparkly flakes.
It took a minute or two, but my face sparkled like a treasure chest. I talked my brother into covering his much larger beard in glitter as well shortly afterward.
I accomplished exactly what I was going for, and it was awful. It’s like having explosive, disco dandruff. Any slight movement of my face showered my clothes and floor in 24-karat confetti. I left a trail of it everywhere I went. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t breathe too hard. It got on any person or animal who strayed too close. Trying to shower it out just spread it all over my body. I looked like a Kesha music video.
There is really only one conceivable event where this would be a good idea. If I was going to some sort of unicorn rave or hip music festival where all the attendees were under the influence of various illicit substances, I bet I could make a lot of friends. There would be enough glitter to go around. Unfortunately, I won’t be doing that anytime soon, so there’s no practical way or place to have a beard full of stardust.
If you want to give the gift that keeps on giving this holiday season, put some glitter in your beard for your next family party. What better way to spread the spirit of the holidays than leaving glitter everywhere you go?