Trending Now: Selfie sticks suck

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If there’s one thing I hate about taking a selfie, it’s that my arms just aren’t long enough to get my whole body in the picture.

That’s something I would never say. Apparently plenty of people do, though; otherwise selfie sticks wouldn’t exist. Thus, this new epidemic is all your fault  and not mine.

True innovation is taking something already reprehensible and making it even worse. Selfie sticks, in this case, are about as innovative as it gets. The collective voice of short-armed teenaged girls and groups of guys who all want to flex in the same picture but not stand too close together has been heard. Now technology has been developed that allows a person to attach his or her camera to a telescopic aluminum pole, hold it out in front of them and snap a picture from 4 feet past their arm length. These are the selfies of the future.

Never mind that every picture you take now includes a big, black pole extending from the center to the bottom of the frame. That’s not what is important. The important thing is now your Instagram followers can see your new haircut and your shoes in the same exact picture. Oh yeah, because in every picture you’ll be in the dead center of the frame.

Want everyone to know you went to Paris? Why don’t you take a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower that will be mostly obscured by your body and a big dark shape you’re holding? That’s how I want my vacation to be remembered too.

Let me help you visualize how stupid this looks.

If you caught a fish, reeled it all the way to the top of your fishing pole and posed for it while it stared at you, gasping in agony, it’s seeing exactly how your last selfie looks. I feel like that fish. I see you smiling from the end of a big pole, and I want to die.

Asking someone to take a picture of you is hard. It involves talking to someone, asking them to walk 10 feet away from you and point a phone at you for a few seconds. It’s such a chore. Plus, these people probably won’t sit with you while you look at each picture individually and talk about how bad you look in each one. You would have to ask someone else to take two or three or 25 more. What a nightmare.

What if you’re totally alone and you need to take a picture of yourself in front of something really cool? Try taking a picture of that cool thing without you in the picture.

What if you want to see a video of all your facial expressions while you do some sort of extreme sport and film it with your GoPro? Try not being so weird.

The only real reason people take pictures of themselves is because they want other people to see what they look like. It’s vanity. It’s narcissism. Those aren’t necessarily bad things, but try being a narcissist who has an ounce of taste.

Capturing a moment in a photograph used to be an art form. If something is worth photographing it should be worth doing right. These days you can throw a rock in any direction and hit someone who is “sort of into photography.” This person might bug you to “like” their photography Facebook page, but he’ll probably also take decent pictures of you.

Every picture taken with a selfie stick has an alternative that doesn’t involve a selfie stick and doesn’t suck. You’re choosing the inferior option.

Stop it. Please.