Question: Can you still be friends after a breakup?
Dear readers,
“It’s me. Not you. But let’s still be friends.”
We’ve heard it all before, whether in some rom-com movie or a real-life experience, we were cursed to have to endure.
But can you still be friends after a breakup? We have all tried this, and it’s safe to say for a wide majority of people, the answer is “no.” No matter how hard you try, that friend factor will never happen because it’s nearly impossible. Why, you might ask? Because we are all human.
During my freshman year of college, I was in a long-distance relationship that resulted in heartache, regret and this lovely story about how long-distance relationships aren’t worth it. Ironically, I have since changed my stance on the topic, given the fact that I am engaged to a different guy I am currently in an LDR with. What I can tell you is I tried the whole “let’s still be friends” thing. Here’s what happened:
Let’s still be friends.
OK. What could go wrong?
Meets up in person.
Forgets we were ever broken up in the first place with a little kiss that fogs the memory.
Plays “friends” with benefits until our destined destruction arrives. Spoiler alert: it didn’t last long, from breaking up to never speaking again.
But what did last an incredibly long time was the heartache that followed. Days upon days I had a pit in my stomach and rotted in bed while sobbing non-stop. The new kitten I had gotten with my ex when we were still “friends” didn’t cheer me up either.
Something tells me if we had never stayed “friends” after the breakup, my healing journey would have been faster and less painful. Not to mention, my cat wouldn’t have had to grow up with an absent father.
But enough about my story. Here’s why it is not a good idea to stay friends after a breakup.
To start with, the most obvious reason is that those intimate feelings and actions that brought you two together never really go away. Or it takes so long to erase those feelings that by then, you’ll have crashed and burned again, like in my case.
My interpersonal communications professor put it best: Once you cross one base with your partner, you can never really go back. For example, after you kiss once, you don’t just stop kissing your partner. You continue to do so because that is what brings you two together.
So, being friends with your ex will only remind you of what you once experienced with them and tempt you to continue being intimate. If there’s one thing to understand, it’s that being intimate with a friend is not normal and will lead to complications and confusion. That’s the last thing you need after a breakup.
Because of these intimate feelings, you will know that acting on them is just not right. What’s worse than acting on them is seeing your “friend” that you were once intimate with being intimate or interested in someone else. The jealousy will kick in, which will make moving on a lot harder.
So you and your ex are broken up. There is obviously a reason why you two have broken up, and a majority of the time, it’s because you both know you aren’t right for each other. If this is what you know to be true, why prolong a relationship with them if it’s not going to go in the direction you want it to? Doing this will waste their time and your time. Worse, it’ll prolong your healing and moving on phase. You deserve to move on, be happy and find your person.
So, what’s holding you back from letting go and moving on? For me, my ex was the only good friend I had at the time. I went to him for a lot as he provided me with comfort, advice and affection. That’s why I was scared to let him go. But here’s what I learned.
Friends come and go, but your partner should last a lifetime. They are truly all you need. Not some ex that you were too scared to say goodbye to. If it’s the connection, care and listening they gave you that you don’t want to let go of, trust me. Someone better will come along who will offer you all the same things and more.
Here I am about a year and a half later after I thought my life was over because of a breakup. Not only am I happier and healthier than ever before, but I have found my forever person because I was willing to let go of the past and look toward the future.
The pain and heartache you feel after a breakup is very, very hard. It will be uncomfortable for some time, but that discomfort and pain eventually go away. Remember, the pain of letting go will never be as damaging as holding on to something that no longer serves you.
As you let yourself heal and move on, the right person will come. And when they do, you’ll know. So don’t settle for a friendship that keeps you stuck in the past — cut the cord, walk away and make room for the love you truly deserve.
Sincerely,
Angel Wood
If you are seeking advice on something, message me on Instagram at @angelwoodknow.
