UTAH TECH UNIVERSITY'S STUDENT NEWS SOURCE | September 26, 2022

The Skewed Review: The only excuse for ignoring Halloween is a wedding

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It’s bittersweet. 

If you’re even remotely familiar with The Skewed Review, then you’ll know autumn is my favorite time of the year — mostly because of Halloween.

OK, so it’s only because of Halloween. 

However, this year, in lieu of our usual All Hallowtide spirit, we’ve dedicated our time and money toward a wedding reception. We decided we’d like to celebrate our union as close to Halloween as possible. And now, as the world decorates for the 31st and horror movie marathons begin to pepper the TCM and AMC channels, I’m starting to get a little sad.

I think this is the first Devil’s Day season ever that feels like it’s happening without me.

That’s not to say I’m not enjoying putting together my wedding reception — as chaotic and costly as it is. But instead of getting to buy a brand-new gory body to scare the neighborhood kids with or spending a bunch of money on a killer new costume, we’re putting our dollars toward catering and lighting. 

I haven’t a single blood-red cent to spend on seasonal garb.

Spirit Halloween, the season store currently open near Tai Pan, is rated with five out of five smashed pumpkins, and not the ’90s sadness band. Although, now that I think about it, that might be a fitting review, too.

With its astronomical prices (at least they seem that way after I spent a bundle on centerpieces), I’m unable to do my yearly Witches’ New Year shopping spree. 

You’d think they’d be willing to cut prices down for me considering I’ve dumped more money into that business than I have into keeping myself alive.  

So yes, this year’s Feast of the Dead is bittersweet. 

My plans this time of the year are usually focused on blood, bats, candles, Ouija boards, ghosts, vampires (begrudgingly — thanks, “Twilight”), zombies, cannibals and Bette Midler in “Hocus Pocus.” 

But now, my attention is focused on colors, cakes, twinkle lights, sound systems, invitations, champagne, cutlery, linens and Bette Midler in “Hocus Pocus.” 

I’ve got to hang on to at least one of my many Samhain traditions. 

Luckily, my hubby agreed to let me have a masquerade for our wedding reception. So even though I’m not going to be dripping blood all over the tables and summoning Satan from a Jack-o-lantern (which I’ve actually never done before), we’ll still get to dress up and howl at the moon while clinking plastic champagne glasses under the light of the most expensive centerpieces I’ve ever encountered. 

My wonderful husband is reviewed the rest of his life being as happy as possible. I know the rest of mine will be thanks to him. 

But he’d better not think for a second that I’m not going to break out the fog machine, put in my zombie contacts and scare the living crap out of the neighborhood kids on the 31st. 

Follow The Skewed Review on Twitter @TheSkewedReview, and “like” it on Facebook.com/TheSkewedReview.