Trending Now: Stop socks and sandals

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Your life will get immensely better when you stop wearing socks and sandals.

I’m talking about those brown, rubber Jesus sandals, Air Jordan slippers, Birkenstocks, flip-flops and basically any derivation of sandals that only have straps across the top of your feet.  They’re making your life harder. And for some reason, many people have decided it’s okay to pair these with socks, which just adds to the problem.  

Nothing about this wardrobe decision is a good idea.

First of all, I’m not just saying this because I think wearing slipper-type sandals with or without socks looks dorky. I definitely think that, but I truly believe my life is better and more fulfilling because I wear normal shoes like an adult who isn’t at the beach or lounging around the house in a robe.

As I type these words, I’m wearing some sandals I recently bought to investigate this phenomenon. I’m also wearing socks. I don’t think I am going to be able to keep this up very long.

Just walking around in these stupid sandals takes extra effort. Normally when I walk, I don’t have to think about how I walk to keep my shoes from slipping off, but with these, there’s some amount of attentiveness needed just to keep them on my feet. Any amount of energy I spend readjusting my gait because my shoes are constantly in danger of falling off is energy I’ve wasted. Do you like living a life of never-ending struggle?

What if I was walking around town and almost stepped on a rattlesnake and had to quickly jump back to avoid its venomous strike? Or what if I had to run into a burning house to save a child and there was broken glass on the floor? Or what if I had to do karate in a street fight or be in a dance off? What if I just had to walk backward? I would feel like such a dummy if in any of those situations I happened to be wearing shoes that weren’t secure on my feet. Have fun trying to get your sandals back from right next to a rattlesnake after jumping backward out of them.

I guess you could argue those situations don’t come up all that often, but I swear I’ve done all but one of those things this week. (I never walk backward.) But if they did come up, you’re seriously unprepared. 

So functionality in everyday life is pretty much non-existent. With real shoes, this is never a problem.

And my socks are so vulnerable now. Socks are meant to be protected by shoes. Now my socks are way more likely to get dirty, wet or ruined. I hate wearing dirty, wet or ruined socks. Do you all think socks grow on trees or something, like I can just go get brand new socks whenever I feel like it? I’ve got bills to pay.

Fortunately, I wear shoes that protect my socks from danger, so I can spend my would-be sock money on things that make life better like candy or a Spotify account.

I’m giving up and putting real shoes on. It hasn’t even been a full day.

I guess I care too much about my socks and living a life with meaning.